It’s Friday: the last day for my job to kick me in the balls before a couple days of barely recharging my sanity for another shitty Monday. So, here’s a few tidbits to brighten your morning and thanks for reading the URLy Edition!
“Man Pledges Loyalty To Brand In Quiet Convenience Store Ceremony”
REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi family of beverages Sunday in a moving 45-second ritual officiated by weekend cashier Kirsten Toles. “I love Pepsi,” Tompkins vowed as he offered the clerk two crisp dollar bills, symbolizing his willingness to sacrifice for Pepsi, and received 71 cents in return, symbolizing the portion of the two dollars that Pepsi does not cost. “Always will.” The solemn union of man and flavored soda was commemorated by a small bit of printed paper, which Tompkins declined.
Courtesy of The Onion
My Favorite Tasteless Jokes
A man took a hooker into a motel room. They exchanged money and began to have sex when the man’s penis started to hurt…he felt like something was clawing at him. He stopped and said, “Ouch, it’s really rough in there…” The hooker excused herself to the bathroom and a few moments later came back. They continued having sex and it was soft and felt great. The man said, “Ooooh baby, that feels so good….hmmm what did you do to make your pussy feel so smooth?” And she said, “picked the scabs off.”
Two guys are talking in a bar. “Hey,” says one, “you wouldn’t believe what happened to me last night.” ‘What happened?” says the other. “‘Well, I was walking home and found this woman tied to the railway tracks, so I untied her, picked her up, and carried her home. Then I spent the whole night fucking her…in her pussy, up her ass, over her tits, you name it, we did it.” “Wow! And did you get a blow job too?” “Nah….I couldn’t find her head.”
A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, “Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.”
She begins with the letter “A” and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, “A…Apple” The teacher replies, “That’s great, Mary, good job.”
So she moves on to the letter “B”, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say “Bitch” or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, “B…Baseball.” And the teacher replies, “Good Job, Todd.” So they start going through the alphabet and the class’ attention dwindles, except for Johnny.
The teacher comes to the letter “R” and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. “Okay Johnny, what starts with R?” she says. “R…Rat” Johnny replies. “Rat, …that’s it…rat?” the teacher questions with astonishment. “Yeah,” says Johnny, “Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a dick 12 inches long.”
Dead-Baby Jokes (Warning: Sick!)
Other Funny-ass Shit